there was something in me crying out for help.
there was something in me willing to be heard.
there was something in me trying to speak.
there was something in me killing my insides.
i fought the feeling...
my insides boiled...
i was still in love...
i still harbour hate..!!

i remember the fist sized again today...

i think of when i wrote of it then..!!!

i remember feeling the lump...

i tried gulping it down...

no amount of caffeine could help..

I had to but step out in the open

My feelings not let loose

As my hair had always been.

I wanted this time to be afloat,

not caring of what I left on the shore...

The salt wind grazed past my cheek,

It almost felt like a brush of skin...

The lump maybe disappeared...

But now there was a thump...

regulated by those eyes i see...

Faster and faster it went along..

the guards have long given way...

for I was designed fragile.

My fist couldn't punch that hole,

not that I have ever wanted to...

i have often sat shredding leaves,

fallen and dead...cruel i know

one day i shall pick each

and fill that hole he punched...

those many years ago...

for now the thumping ain't raw,

i can hardly feel it in my chest...

yet every time that music blares..

my blood rushes back into flow...

I know its not dead,

of it I am now fond...

one day, the regular will halt...

and i shall be off the shore..!

staring into space...

knowing what you want...

unable to ask...

remembering the look

the glowing eyes

the concern...

the small actions...

the smile...

will it be there...

still and again...

will it be there...

forever and more...

will it be there...

with the other one...

will it be there...

when i have none.

I seem to..

I seem to be going nowhere...
the threshold beckons to me,
I see him standing on the other side.
I seem to be staring too long...
the pinhole lets in the light,
I fail to capture the picture within.
I seem to be standing still...
the images rush by my side,
I crave to capture a few.
I seem to be holding on...
I know its just time,
I try to ink my mind.
I seem to be reading awhile...
the words and pages flow by,
I wish to sing along.
I seem to be humming...
its an old time song...
The drapes have fallen.
The real drama just begun,
The actors are walking..
Away from the blazing sun.

I walk into an empty room,
An ominous room.
Almost everyday.
The quiet vibrates by eardrum,
My heart beats faster than ever.
I walk into the quaint darkness,
I look around,
Often grabbing the first chair I get.
My eyes are wide open.
I pretend I am reading.

I suddenly hear something,
A whisper in the silence.
It sure wasn't the fan.
Or the chair I had just pulled.
It wasn't the fountain outside,
Or the faint sound of traffic.
I can still hear it somewhere.
I look around.
I pretend I am reading.

A set of features, stare at me
from under the table across;
The queer look in those eyes.
I stare back.
My heart beat slows,
My eyes shrink back to normal.
I stop hearing the sound.
I sit back.
And I finally start reading.

I stood at the edge of the road,  as I see the cars zooming past, I wonder, will I ever grow up?
Will i let myself go..? I had let my hair down years ago...they fly with the wind...with every car zooming past they go another mile.
but my feet remain rooted...almost dug half a mile deep into the sand...and yet my heart wants to fly...!
I often remember the dream I had years ago...a recurrent one...
The flying chair...I enjoyed it...loved it...for it would take me away...far far away...
And suddenly the distance would scare me...I was insecure...
suddenly the fact that i was free scared me...may be I was just scared of being out there.
How can someone be both in love with being alone, exploring and yet crave for company?
How can someone so craving for some thought time not be able to sit alone and eat.
Is she scared of the ridicule? Is she scared of the thoughts?
Is she may be scared of herself...? or what she might discover under those heavy rocks...
The girl every now and then resurfaces...
the smiles collide..!!!
the cars are still zooming past and my mind flies..!!!

The piece

A piece fell from the sky,
Right through my heart it flew;
A piece from it I did pry;
And I showed it to them few.
At the piece they looked;
At the sky they stared;
At the piece they looked;
Of me, they were scared.
They lowered their gaze,
They exchanged slight stares;
They lifted their eyes
in a unified blaze.
I stood alone,
one amongst all.
I stood for long,
Waiting for yet another fall.
A piece flew through the sky,
Right at my heart it flew;
A piece from me it did pry;
And I bet, they showed it to you too..!

Borne with guilt

I was born guilty,
So was she,
so was she, she and she
For,
We were borne,
in the age of men
I was born guilty.
My destiny is frozen,
I ignite a flame,
It is extinguished,
I reignite the flame.
For,
I was born guilty.
I was borne by trust.
I was borne with love.
I was born afloat in dust.
I was cloaked with lust.
I was born guilty.
My hands are tied,
My lexicons sealed;
My ambitions rejected,
My needs thrown to destiny.
For,
It was I who were born guilty
For,
It was I who had committed the Sin
For,
It was I who bore you.
Yes,
Of that I am guilty.
Of that,
I was born guilty.

DO i want to be anyone but me?

ask me the question, will I ever not want what has made me who i am...and I would say no...there are so many who would say a yes we assume, but do they?
I am who i am because I was born this way.
"you will never change" is what Often hits me and i wonder do I want to?
i have often dreamt of what i would be or where i could be if i weren't here but trust me...
i would not be happier than now...for what i was gifted with was = is my reality.
i love it
i cant believe i have blamed it for so long...and accepting it today is what makes me happy...
is what makes me smile, not with effort...
how do i explain to the world that "my condition" is not a vice...
its my little boon...my precious
and I would love to keep it the way it is...
the way I am.

Am i allowed to jump off the cliff
the cliff i had dreams of, so often.
the cliff of which the boulder would fall
it would fall right on my leg, my arm.
and i would wake up...
wake up wreathing in pain,
wake up drenched in sweat,
wake up soaked in fear.
hoping i could get my hands on the pain,
the point of pain,
only if it were not for the barrier,
isn't it better to just take the leap.

a wish

a wish is my belief,

i wish i believed in his words,

i wish i gave it another chance,

i wish i believed in solitude.

i wish i could believe...

i only wish,

i believed in my own wish...!!!

Insane??

has anyone seen my sanity?
has anyone looked around?
has anyone informed the ruler?
has anyone stolen the crown?

I have dropped my sanity.
I have left it down-town.
I have sealed the passages.
I have hidden the shroud.

has anyone walked the bridge?
has anyone knocked the pane?
has anyone dared to look?
has anyone seen the rain?

I have now crossed over.
Yes, I drank the rain.
No one was there to see me.
For I was walking in vain.

as the tiny grain of coffee tries to remain afloat
i stare...
rather i stir...
not just stare...
for the drowning of this grain...
is my depression free life...
or as wiki says...
with lower suicidal risk!!!!!!!

a legal drug...
mass produced all over the world...
consumers in zillions...
and i but a bait...
to the commercialization...
of this big fish producing and selling...
of the buying and auctioning...
and i say...
i am not an addict...!!!!!

bitter, white crystalline alkaloid,
doesn't mean much does it...
for I have always known it...
either in green or brown...
a family which wakes up to the smell of it...
a nation that thrives...
a 2 rupee cutting...
a drug in an honest disguise.!!!

of all days now i am bothered...
tomorrow i wont care...
as i sip down the last bit of my coffee...
i just think...
use my produced increased wakefulness...
(again as wiki says...)
and realise...

it is but like the profession...
which sells...
for far more than
its worth ever was..!!!!!

Just be...

They say I am like you,
But do they not see...
It is I trying to be...
just be...
I never thought of growing...
Never imagined to be gone...
To have a life disconnected...
To be love and loved.
Brace distances and voids..!!!
But now I am grown...
Still growing to be...
Just be...!!!
But my heart still resides...
On the other side of the void...
Wishing and hoping...!!!
To be loved by you...
And to be what I was...
Just be...!!!

The begone

Ah the slight breeze flew past my ear and whispered by...
the Leaf that floated down seemed to have frozen mid air...
It whispered to me the story of the sky,
Who had lent it the power of sweetness and of love;
Who had pierced her existence with pity and shame;
leaving her abandoned and tame...
The fury which in her grew...
Out of simple might it stirred...
Her love was valiant and so was her mirth.
Her wrath was fearful and so was her dearth.
It was the desire which in her grew...
The shrewd mind and comely form;
It drew the bold and the strong,
It called the tiny and the young,
It tamed the lovers and the crowd,
The milieu whirled round and round...
And then they called her the storm...
Not knowing it was the pleasant gush
the delicate her; that had once begone...!!!

His eyes longed to graze...

for his actions had sown the seeds...

and his words, now reaped...!

Would I have known?

I wouldn't have known what is behind the mountain,
                                      were I not perched on that shoulder.
I wouldn't have known what is to forgo fear,
                                      were I not clinging on to that firm finger.
I wouldn't have known what is to fly,
                                      were I not hurled into the air.
I wouldn't have known what is it to trust,
                                      were I not sure I would never fall,
                                      with him there.

I wouldn't have known what is dawn,
                                      were I not curled into those arms.
I wouldn't have known what is the colour blue,
                                      were I not looking through those eyes.
I wouldn't have known what is fair,
                                      were I not winning without my share.
I wouldn't have known what is life,
                                      were I not walking the roof slopes,
                                      with him I could dare.

I wouldn't have known what is real,
                                      were I not sitting right by his side.
I wouldn't have know what is savoury,
                                      were I not spoilt with every delight.
I wouldn't have know what is serene,
                                      were I not writing this tonight.
I wouldn't have know what is chime,
                                      were I not thinking of his happy voice,
           responding to my "Happy 76th Birthday" with delight.