they came

they did come, some time ago.

now i know they hav flown away and yet they remain...

20

·        1991
one nose
2 blue eyes
10 toes
1 smile and
3 blinks

·        2011
1 anklet
2 rings
a zillion clothes
one ipod
20 tampons
5 painted nails

·        1999
1 mother
2 siblings
a new father
7 pieces of the heart
and 8 were my wings

·        2009
1 crack
264 bones
32 teeth
20 nails
2 ear drums
14 ribs
1 uterus

·        2010
one ambition
2 loves
½ a bear hug
14 kisses
1 truth
a single break

·        1996
1 doll
many toys
7 colored blankets
a cuddled body
2 drawers and sliding doors

·        2004
a trusted friend
15% jealousy
4 prizes
20+1 photographs
14 stares

·        2007
1 room
4 corners
18 books
a hidden novel
3 hours of sleep
10 sarcastic voices

·        1992
2 knees
2 parents
1 3 wheeled cycle
4 breaks
3 memories
1 fear

·        2002
20 humiliations
1/4^th encouragement
0 smiles
2 chocolates
1 skirt
The very 1^st heels

·        1994
1^st school
2 kms.
1 parent
2 grandparents
many friends
3 Barbies
a caring thought
6 new locks
Lost keys.

The Forbidden Fruit

"The forbidden fruit. I so forgot about it all this while. And I know what it means to me." Ah! He thought deep in his consciousness. But would he dare to pluck it himself. His throat was parched and his senses burned for the juices of the fruit that called out to him. His consciousness was lending a hand to his eyes, he could almost drink the juices of the fruit without having even held it between his fingers. Least of all pressed it to his lips.

"The forbidden fruit. I so see it in front of me. I see it every day. I know what it does." Ah! She thought. Yes, she thought hard and decided. For me a day would come when I would finally be me and accept what I want to be. Pretense is not my passion and certainly not my cup of tea.

"The forbidden fruit. It still calls out to me. My hand is now the snake and my hand calls out to me."
He was trying too hard to reserve his right. His right on himself. His right to hide. For fantasies are for the mere mortals. And he had yet to prove his stride. He was strong and dare not crave, he dare not want to touch; what the world says is not so right, what the world says is not just.

"The forbidden fruit. It has called out to me and still does. The serpent is now my guide but not yet my trust."
She wanders high and low through a graden of might. She wondered not what others thought was true or what was right. She knew what the moment meant to her and to her life. She left her heart pounding for she knew what it meant to feel. If today's wish flew like a whim she knew none ever would come true.

yellow light

a day with the calmest of waters. a ship sailed upstream. the wind was its only guide. the sail billowed. the day was warm. bright and sunny. the captain and his met sweat it out the entire day.
they knew of the storm that was foretold for the day to come. panting they pulled the strings and tried to reach ashore.
the afternoon grew into evening. having worked all day they decided to take a break. over beer and sandwiches they spoke and the joked. the ship sailing on at a steady rate. now they knew they were there. joking and singing they let time while away.
having rested well the captain returned to the stern. alas! they were off route. their compass spun like it had never before.
heart in their mouth they all got to their posts. but to no avail. down to the west they could see the tiny blink of a watchtower. the lighthouse hidden behind the low hung clouds. panic struck the ship. night had fallen. they had nothing to follow but a faint glow.
land was not near, they knew not what to do. they could just look at each other and raise their hands in prayer.
a sailor screamed "I see something"
it was an angel he said. he said he could see her clearly beckoning to them to follow her. he steered the ship after her. his comrades laughed. the puzzled captain knew not what to do. it was his duty to save his men.
they might be wading into literally dangerous waters.
"what rubbish" they heard him scream over the now roaring black tides.
the white angel shook her head in distress and disappeared. faith lost in her was their distress.
left seeking the now mist covered lighthouse they wandered away...

and I,
I heard their story from the gust of wind who but tried hard to help them...

to whose story would i be addicted. not to mine for sure. for i plead to break out of it every single day. i want to be let out and i want to be me. but then the me is my story too. it is my belief. a prose frankly is not exactly the me that i want to or tend to describe. for then that is always me. a me to be. a me i want to be. i me may be i shall never be.

i run after the sand in a storm. i rig the bills of a dinner i never ate. i sit aside in the warmth of the fire and yet i don't bake. the muffin i had just bitten. a letter i had just written. the words would rebound. the echo that had never lived. the echo who dies amid. i wish the surface was larger, the sound louder than the game. i wish i had prayed harder or at least bent the ground.

"i don't have tea!!!"

really???


"don't I???"

i have to ask this question to myself now. i am not very fond of it but i have it nonetheless. i choose it over coffee at times. just because someone is having it or because it is better at the galla. but i do. and it is not about that coffee anymore it is about sticking to the identity i had carved for myself or maybe people had carved for me.

i know i write after ages but i dare to write this. i don't care if people read it and frankly even if it is not. or do i??? why is it on a blog?? because as anand says its safer!!! or because it is out there??? i don't know, maybe i am too struck by the virus...! the one i have been probing into...thanx to milan kundera and his work..!

Ah! I love coffee. Why did Swathi have to choose this moment to make filter coffee!!!!!! the smell is addictive for me. now i know why i love it. i crave for it at times...and at this moment i cant but hold my breath as a whiff of it reaches me across my room...wow!!! i know why i love it i do...!!

but it is not the only thing i have...i have to be honest...in my own way...i have to may be heed to farzan's words...in my own way...maybe i will...is it so much about my own way again...?? may be not...but i have convinced myself...

can it be happening to me...can i be questioning my own thought to an extent that i am unsure of every belief i have had...have i actually had any belief... has it been just about an identity so far...has it been imitation to form a self or has it been a self which is nothing but replicated in various forms...!!!

can a book really make u think so much...!!! do words really have that power...???

and i a "book lover" as i presumed says this...!!!

i just looked on and on...!!!!

the hug was a story of the past.
it had washed away the fears i had lived in, there were things i had long forgotten. the love burst in a frenzy as the pixels knit themselves to a form. my heart bled with the colour of life.
i held death with awe as he had once conveyed to me.
the thought of a goodbye smaller than the thought of meeting again.
he believed in the word being truer than the self and my destiny was to use them to believe my own.
a day would not have passed with a happy smile, a day gone by with the thought of pain. up, up and away it went; flying like a kite all the way.
the strings attached were severed. i knew not whom to please. my eyes were sore from crying. i waited but in vain. a plant grew under my care. i nurtured it like my own flesh. i hurt it all the same.
as i would have my flesh. i shed blood. it poured out of my eyes. the colour seemed darkened by my thoughts.
he invited me over but my thoughts discarded his vigil. always wanting to look back and change my fate...! knowing not that my luck was beheld by those whom i had ignored.
four hearts met to fill the gap left by one. my life was a lucky cauldron, filled to the brim with memories of love. a pint of devotion dipped in the vial of happiness. solitude my hope and togetherness my desire. the lava of my spirit surging. the nucleons now met.
the hug was no more a story of the past.

a day in the RAIN

a day in the rain, I wet my hair.
a day in the rain, I lost a tear.
a day in the rain, I lost my way.
a day in the rain, my umbrella flew away.

a day in the rain, I wept alone.
a day in the rain, I missed home.
a day in the rain, I fell asleep.
a day in the rain, my stick withdrew.

a day in the rain, I walked away.
a day in the rain, my footsteps tumble.
a day in the rain, I was cold.
a day in the rain, the clouds part.

"the lilies"

an early morning wake up call...
the smell of lilies fill the room
the lilies though not yet in full bloom.

half open eyes and a tilted neck,
trying to spy on the yellow buds;
the green against the blue wall.

a smile curled the dry matte lips,
slowly the smoke screens diverge
a leap within, and out of bed.

saying:
"Happy Mother's Day!!"

Coppice of demise.

A stitch of pain streaked down her curve.
A groan failed to escape her dead lips.
She had stepped into the coppice of demise;
that of truth, that if pain,
that not of love
but, more so of loss and  of game.

The dice showed a seven.

A miracle of times unknown.
A clandestine sword hung down her throat.
The nexus held by the last bit.
The snap but a twinkling away.
Light years were then a myth.

The earth is dry, I see cracks in it. Oh I wish I had not let those words go. Now I am bare, the sun scorches the back of my neck.

The hair are singed, the smell kills me. I have been an earth loving creature. Oh! the moist earth. 

This scares me. The left over hair stand at end, I shiver, it is not cold.

Has the ray penetrated me? left me alone. The last descended of my soul. The final level of emptiness, disgrace. 

I am alone, my ancestors left, the heat took its toll. I wish the fire engulfed me too.

I was left to endure, why was my soul bearing the pain? I was mangled.

Lived on to bear my race. Without a partner I was free.

I was me and my offspring was me.

But was he really me???

The earth took its toll and now I walk no more. My offspring was never me. 

But he was he...he walked and bore. His race has walked. His next has too.

They have brought the heat back too. 

The earth is dry, they don't see cracks though. They loved the moist earth too. 

i am, but half a bird

exhaustion takes over the mind, the dew falls onto my lexicon,
i feel "a free bird would have been strangled".
but i was still adrift, for i was never free.
a manja string holds onto my left foot...tightens at every attempt of freedom i make.

they make fun of me, my friends they do.
they say, "what bird is a bird if he cant fly. he has not known the joy".
oh yes i have, for "i was born free".

up up and away

is a name but a name? has it not the power to relentlessly show the way.

a name is not but a name...i have seen it sway

the rose is synonymous to itself, me to me.  

i define beauty with spirit, not in relation to ugly.

is my name just a name? did he send it to me?

is my name her's too? did i know we were to meet?

is her name my destiny? the cloud which roams the land?

is my name the lightening? the stroke that lights up the sky?

is her name not mine? is she not me?

my cheek dents; the left,  as i smile...

yet her's; the right knows glee!

my pursed lip looks distorted, 

i pursue 

i break open the barrier, and still wonder which way to move

my mind afloat on that grain of straw

the body unable to swim.

if she is not me

i am not her.

but still i see

a fish or a log, fly across the sky...

A new gullie is afloat with some trinkets of tryst, the weight of a nimble stone balanced by thrust.
The belief stronger than the fall of an apple, the thud never heard but felt.
My hearth empty beyond the brim, my love weighed against everlasting years.

Rickety Roof

Looking for home away from home;
Not knowing I was home...
The shadow was cast but I was unaware,
Love was still blue but I bled red.

A friend who, to me, wrote:

I envied the stunted growth of a potted plant
I searched the visage of a soot covered mirror
Her dilapitated smile was not suffice
Not was the cushion in the sliver...
I left the fragmented shore of shells
The gullies were broader
The water was deeper
I stood up and out
My insides were yet to be surfed clean.

Missing in Flight

The door was not shut...never is.
but is it ever open?
the veil flutters; i could see the wind take a sneak peek
my hair this time were securely tied.
Ah! I wish a strand had dared to let loose.
I lost the breath I had promised my lungs...
The air seemed full of smoke
I wasn't on fire,
someone had just put it out...

but it remains
within my heart and
my insides burn me out...

oh!
i wish i was free
and this was another FLIGHT

Oh ya! It is not...
I am yet to be free
I am in flight; but not free
for my flight is still to take me higher
the parabola fell short
and my high is still to be justified.

A very very Happy Birthday Dear GrandDAD...!!!!!!

thoughts

thinking is a crime
i am a criminal
the thought of crime gives me the shivers
i have spilt blood
my own, and his
he said he is not a criminal
but how can he not be?
he walked away; on his life
i did too
but i was a criminal; not he

DID WE LOOK AWAY...???

she walked in, i was looking away,
i spied on her, she looked away.
i bit my lips, i wish she was looking away,
i saw her fondle her hair, i wished i could look away.
her eyes met mine, i certainly did not look away,
she peeped into her bag, trying to look away.
a smile curled her lips, i knew she did not look away.
my friends hooted in my ear, i looked away
my cheeks turned red, i peeped and looked away
i fiddled with the spoon, she would not look away
my eyes split apart, there was nothing to look away
she slowy left her chair, oh i wish she would not look away
i followed her steps, not wanting to look away;
i grabbed her heart, not letting her look away...!!!

i heard the door creak
the paint spilled itself
the craving for a canvas died
the wall was eterninty
words but colours

a home of starts. a bower of lights. i grew and i blew. the shadows will always be my highlight.

the museum

the aisle was pretty narrow - it emancipated heat --- i walked by the door - i was scared to look --- the vultures had rejoiced their victory --- and yet i stood.

i was scared - a belief was broken - i had not given up - i did not want to lie.

i knew him inside out --- his eyes looked past my truth - i was not the speaker - the messenger was not of recruit.

he was taught to mistrust --- even the food he ate was poison - his eyes bled no blood - his mind bled no thought - he was brought to conceal.

he was my truth - i denied him - the access doorway was shut - i was left alone in the aisle --- his thoughts letting the heat flow.

Ominous Flight

The movement which caught my attention
I knew I missed something.
She was there right next to me
Stronger than I
She was not wearing a mask
I felt I was puncturing the air.
My lexicals could kill
My sight could disembark
I felt a high; a physical high
She was on stilettos
Now I am waist deep in quicksand
I don't struggle to be free
I don't struggle to fly
The cushion holds me tight
I love it,
I hate it,
I take care of it,
I debate it
I don't abate it
It is me, I am it
Reality..!!!

My Country and Me

• Taking a long deep breath the lion decided to gauge the distance between him and his prey
• The super sonic radiation the air craft emitted were not enough to blow the clouds away
• The blue sky refused to reflect the fish's story; her stark golden yellow yearning for the attention
• In the face of the Sun's glory the heat was but an aftermath. It believed, "If I could burn all my helium I would be free."
• Energy is not always a fuel; it is a boon and a curse
• Like a man could be a woman and a woman a man; their love for existence has no bounds.
• The shackles clammed adding to the din of lives mourning, yet she danced.
• The melody was long lost, an impersonation lived on and on...
• The record whirled back and forth as my eyes drooped further; my strength failed.
• As the lion took a big leap towards the lamb, it knew not the prey would live or die
• A bullet whirred past the yellow grass; No iron palm to grasp it
• It lost itself in the luxurious mane; Blood spurted
• Her forehead had a hole, right between the eyebrows. It was RED.

i could see the reflection; for once the blue eyes looked black   black with passion for love was always blue              that day i had heard the creak    the roof was about to fall on my head    but i stood strong    i thought and in reflection i found the way    the mirror refused to show me the path   i was numb i was lost    lost in the deep end of a swimming pool   i was never allowed to swim    the fall from the bicycle was the clue    the orange disturbed me    it was too happy     like i always confessed    a chocolate too sweet in not chocolate enough    cocoa is grown bitter    the look in his eyes as i walked into the tiny shop   the book almost slipping through the fingers    the look as i walked past    the attempt at the casual smile    the smile which was bright enough for you or me but not the sun    the orange of the sun glares into my eyes    the orange of the sun at 5 am is beautiful    the mountain mist envelopes it and delivers a glow    the sharpness dies   the fruit he wanted to eat they say    a darkness on the planet   the source of energy my race refused to adopt    the end is what i don't reflect upon   the end is what i circumnavigate    "you are the Columbus to your own land" she said    she loved me   i was not very kind to her    now i have lost the note    someone lost it for me rather   i have walked beside the lake and wondered about the wind    every time my reflection has looked into my eyes i have hid my face    i am perfect    i am not worth looking at    i am immobile   i am agile   i reflect   i live in conflict my reflection speak the truth   the water ripples

every moment is not anticipated for, things come up, things fly. we reconcile at the thought of the past. it scares me, yes i am scared, i wish we were. but we of course are.

i spoke to her
she didn't reply
i revealed all
she dismissed
the wind was
on her side
i was too deeply
lost in the love
i was blind
i was sinking
yet i felt safe
i felt adrift
with reality
and the self
my love was
purer than me
my thoughts 
chaperoned
by her life.

A big mug of coffee:

Some choices are ours to make…some are made by others for us…some we accept some we regret…and some we bear to live with; rather I should say dare…this is a story of that extra mile I took, to live it…that mile which made me fail myself, though I excelled in every examination…that extra mile, where, around the bend…under the big oak tree, where I saw the woodpecker go peck-peck-peck-peck…I lost the key to my self-regard…I know where to find that bend…I know the latitude which passes through it…but I am scared that I won’t know the way back. Yes I am scared to be lost inspite of knowing the way a little too well…

1:49 am on a Saturday morning:

Coffee brewed by hand tastes much better than the one paid for…the extra effort counts…the exercise keeps the wheels of thought running…they keep you happy and thinking…thinking of all the sad stuff though…I like it bitter…with less sugar I mean…the sweetness of the milk tingles the cells of my palate…I shiver reveling in its heat…

The bitter aftertaste:

It leaves a trail of taste…one which lingers on the tongue…leaves me wishing that it was gone…excessive indulgence is a bad thing they say…every negative has a positive…the shadow is, but a positive…the view from where I was perched, was broader yet veiled…

The hot stream…

It flows over the mountains and the cliffs…down the valley of my neck…and warms my heart…the salt in the lake doesn’t prevent me from plunging into the deep end…letting all the water drench the cracking land around…

"Is it abnormal to want someone to love me for my imperfectness…!!!"

Wind

Walking alongside the lake I felt the wind brush my cheeks…my hair did not float like always…the weeds growing on its banks were bent…I looked into my eyes and I knew I was not scared…my inhibitions had just floated away with the paper boat I released…every fold held a secret…I never had spoken of them before. I know not any who could decode them…the biggest of machines would fail…but without them I feel handicapped today…imagining not listening to her voice for months…having to reach home after a tiring run…will I be even able to do that…before that my road would cave in and  my clothes would wear away…my souls would have holes bigger than the eyes of the fox who stood staring at me…he had ambushed me in an alley…but I was not guilty, why would I be charged of murder…and that too mine.

You believed me didn’t you…? They believed me too…so often they have trusted me blindly and I… I have deceived every single man who walked by my path…their inhibitions have melted under my glance…a disarming smile has got me the trust of one and all…or was it trust…he looked into my eyes and said… “I shall be by your side forever”…but now he is gone. He was gone sooner than I could blink an eyelid…faster than I grew to be a big girl. His essence remained. I still can smell the musk he wore…the prickly beard, like thorns, brushed past like the wind…the roses weren’t as red as I had hoped them to be. My anticipation was widening and I was full of life and death experiences. I was blue…but blue is the colour of love…was I in love? Or was I fantasizing his exit…or may be his entry too…he never came… what will he be lost from…? My heart would bleed and the blood would not be red at all

He read my words as I screamed them out to the paper…I was laying my soul to who would like to discover…I was not a book…my pages have long been torn…they were not made of paper…wish they were…I wish they grew like the papyrus on the banks of the Nile…the nightingale perched on top of the temple…I shivered in the early morning sun as he ran taking me in his arms…we had spotted a snake…it was a barren land…barren such that it grew grass and weeds but no men…

Now that area grows…it prospers they say…hotels and men…lights and food…but the early morning ray of the orange ball of fire…the visitor with the blue neck is now lost…I went to find him there…didn’t see him at all…I didn’t even see what stood there when I had walked out of the car…wrapped in woollens…now the heat smothered me

I looked out of the window…the daffodils had chosen to thrive...I heard the land was indulgent but the yellow meadow was not formed by land alone…I admired the bees which were buzzing near my ear…the water source had many clinging on to it…yet I drank that water…their sting was far away…I lied…scared yet brave

The food tasted sweet…I said I didn’t like it…but it was not the city, it was the people…who were…good…that’s the term…and sometimes digesting the good is like too much of sweet in your system…you don’t know where to take it…it makes you choke and you feel thirsty…you feel compressed…under the load of those bricks laid by the social norms we have been spoon fed…

No, I was not born with a silver spoon but I have lived my life being fed with one…maybe a platinum one I don’t know…for I am allergic to silver…and sulphur…but the letter form ‘s’ is so beautiful and powerful…a single stroke exercises my wrist…is it the reason why it is so thin…?

Imagine the world where writing could save a lot of exercise.

People would not be obese, a lot of our diseases would be eradicated…but people are typing now…is that exercise? Or formation of a couch potato…I hate television but am glued to my laptop…

The voice is irritating…I switch it off…its accent is weird…or maybe mine is…I still know what it is talking…my computer just speaks on and on…I don’t have time to listen to people…tuning to frequency is important. Maybe the radar is not switched off after all…

A flock of people block it very often; I have seen…I either speak too much or none at all…I cannot be classified as shy…I just like the gust of wind blowing across my face…but by the lake it did not blow my hair at all…

Me and You

I love you for it is you...

I see the very soul of you when you smile at me...

The light that falls on your face and the thought of love which enlightens my very existence...

The voice penetrates me like never before...

There was never a day I didn’t look into my heart and spell your name

You peeped into my soul and knew no other could do so...

The touch as your hand slid slowly into mine and caressed my fingers...

The moment your skin brushed against mine...

I felt my heart surrender and my soul cave

The concreteness of my birth and my belief in existence stood tall.

“Please Do Not Touch”

He robbed

Me of my right

He left me

Senseless…

I thought there were five

But we were

Left adrift

He said

I could not feel

I was so maimed.

He said

I should not feel

I was ashamed.

Not of the desire

Not of me,

But that I aspire

To be closer to thee.

The Table

A symphony

Is never made

Of a single note.

The high and

             the low

The bottom and

                 the flow

The hydrogen and

                     The oxygen

Give birth

To life

The essence

           strikes.

     A lifeless cord

         A double bond

    A single one though

A benzene ring

Volatile,

Yet there

     Stronger and

          Strain.

The push

     And the pull…

Opposite polls

Attract…

         In character

                 Repel…!!

I wish

     I wished

  I saw

        I shivered…

Yet standing

Shoulder to

        Shoulder

I feel strong…

Secure

With me.

Cut throat

          Stab

               Thrust

The hate love.

        In theory

May not be

But

      Reality

              Is for me.