have the time...?

is there a way to shake this feeling...
the fog refuses to settle..
my feelings are a crumpled ball...
I crushed the paper myself...!!
I wish there was someone...
who would pick the pieces up...
they could never be a whole...
but they would make for a good puzzle..!
who would have the time...?
who would help put them together...
they would never be the same..!
they can't be mended...
but I am sure they can be taped...
neatly at the backside...
and hung on that wall...
well framed...
to boast of in the many many years to come..!
who would have the time...?
and who would dare spare that time...?

and then there were none.
that's how all of it began...
i thought i was safe here...
i thought here i was me...
i thought i was loved here...
and i thought
       all of this will never end.
i look back
       to where they say it began
not knowing where i stood..
i was still thinking,
of he who chose never to come...
of he who was always by my side...
and also
of he who breathed down my neck.
how i wished
a couple were not the same.
not changing but different...
for then it is not destiny...
but the present i could frame.

there was something in me crying out for help.
there was something in me willing to be heard.
there was something in me trying to speak.
there was something in me killing my insides.
i fought the feeling...
my insides boiled...
i was still in love...
i still harbour hate..!!

i remember the fist sized again today...

i think of when i wrote of it then..!!!

i remember feeling the lump...

i tried gulping it down...

no amount of caffeine could help..

I had to but step out in the open

My feelings not let loose

As my hair had always been.

I wanted this time to be afloat,

not caring of what I left on the shore...

The salt wind grazed past my cheek,

It almost felt like a brush of skin...

The lump maybe disappeared...

But now there was a thump...

regulated by those eyes i see...

Faster and faster it went along..

the guards have long given way...

for I was designed fragile.

My fist couldn't punch that hole,

not that I have ever wanted to...

i have often sat shredding leaves,

fallen and dead...cruel i know

one day i shall pick each

and fill that hole he punched...

those many years ago...

for now the thumping ain't raw,

i can hardly feel it in my chest...

yet every time that music blares..

my blood rushes back into flow...

I know its not dead,

of it I am now fond...

one day, the regular will halt...

and i shall be off the shore..!

staring into space...

knowing what you want...

unable to ask...

remembering the look

the glowing eyes

the concern...

the small actions...

the smile...

will it be there...

still and again...

will it be there...

forever and more...

will it be there...

with the other one...

will it be there...

when i have none.

I seem to..

I seem to be going nowhere...
the threshold beckons to me,
I see him standing on the other side.
I seem to be staring too long...
the pinhole lets in the light,
I fail to capture the picture within.
I seem to be standing still...
the images rush by my side,
I crave to capture a few.
I seem to be holding on...
I know its just time,
I try to ink my mind.
I seem to be reading awhile...
the words and pages flow by,
I wish to sing along.
I seem to be humming...
its an old time song...
The drapes have fallen.
The real drama just begun,
The actors are walking..
Away from the blazing sun.

I walk into an empty room,
An ominous room.
Almost everyday.
The quiet vibrates by eardrum,
My heart beats faster than ever.
I walk into the quaint darkness,
I look around,
Often grabbing the first chair I get.
My eyes are wide open.
I pretend I am reading.

I suddenly hear something,
A whisper in the silence.
It sure wasn't the fan.
Or the chair I had just pulled.
It wasn't the fountain outside,
Or the faint sound of traffic.
I can still hear it somewhere.
I look around.
I pretend I am reading.

A set of features, stare at me
from under the table across;
The queer look in those eyes.
I stare back.
My heart beat slows,
My eyes shrink back to normal.
I stop hearing the sound.
I sit back.
And I finally start reading.