and then there were none.
that's how all of it began...
i thought i was safe here...
i thought here i was me...
i thought i was loved here...
and i thought
       all of this will never end.
i look back
       to where they say it began
not knowing where i stood..
i was still thinking,
of he who chose never to come...
of he who was always by my side...
and also
of he who breathed down my neck.
how i wished
a couple were not the same.
not changing but different...
for then it is not destiny...
but the present i could frame.

there was something in me crying out for help.
there was something in me willing to be heard.
there was something in me trying to speak.
there was something in me killing my insides.
i fought the feeling...
my insides boiled...
i was still in love...
i still harbour hate..!!

i remember the fist sized again today...

i think of when i wrote of it then..!!!

i remember feeling the lump...

i tried gulping it down...

no amount of caffeine could help..

I had to but step out in the open

My feelings not let loose

As my hair had always been.

I wanted this time to be afloat,

not caring of what I left on the shore...

The salt wind grazed past my cheek,

It almost felt like a brush of skin...

The lump maybe disappeared...

But now there was a thump...

regulated by those eyes i see...

Faster and faster it went along..

the guards have long given way...

for I was designed fragile.

My fist couldn't punch that hole,

not that I have ever wanted to...

i have often sat shredding leaves,

fallen and dead...cruel i know

one day i shall pick each

and fill that hole he punched...

those many years ago...

for now the thumping ain't raw,

i can hardly feel it in my chest...

yet every time that music blares..

my blood rushes back into flow...

I know its not dead,

of it I am now fond...

one day, the regular will halt...

and i shall be off the shore..!

staring into space...

knowing what you want...

unable to ask...

remembering the look

the glowing eyes

the concern...

the small actions...

the smile...

will it be there...

still and again...

will it be there...

forever and more...

will it be there...

with the other one...

will it be there...

when i have none.

I seem to..

I seem to be going nowhere...
the threshold beckons to me,
I see him standing on the other side.
I seem to be staring too long...
the pinhole lets in the light,
I fail to capture the picture within.
I seem to be standing still...
the images rush by my side,
I crave to capture a few.
I seem to be holding on...
I know its just time,
I try to ink my mind.
I seem to be reading awhile...
the words and pages flow by,
I wish to sing along.
I seem to be humming...
its an old time song...
The drapes have fallen.
The real drama just begun,
The actors are walking..
Away from the blazing sun.

I walk into an empty room,
An ominous room.
Almost everyday.
The quiet vibrates by eardrum,
My heart beats faster than ever.
I walk into the quaint darkness,
I look around,
Often grabbing the first chair I get.
My eyes are wide open.
I pretend I am reading.

I suddenly hear something,
A whisper in the silence.
It sure wasn't the fan.
Or the chair I had just pulled.
It wasn't the fountain outside,
Or the faint sound of traffic.
I can still hear it somewhere.
I look around.
I pretend I am reading.

A set of features, stare at me
from under the table across;
The queer look in those eyes.
I stare back.
My heart beat slows,
My eyes shrink back to normal.
I stop hearing the sound.
I sit back.
And I finally start reading.

I stood at the edge of the road,  as I see the cars zooming past, I wonder, will I ever grow up?
Will i let myself go..? I had let my hair down years ago...they fly with the wind...with every car zooming past they go another mile.
but my feet remain rooted...almost dug half a mile deep into the sand...and yet my heart wants to fly...!
I often remember the dream I had years ago...a recurrent one...
The flying chair...I enjoyed it...loved it...for it would take me away...far far away...
And suddenly the distance would scare me...I was insecure...
suddenly the fact that i was free scared me...may be I was just scared of being out there.
How can someone be both in love with being alone, exploring and yet crave for company?
How can someone so craving for some thought time not be able to sit alone and eat.
Is she scared of the ridicule? Is she scared of the thoughts?
Is she may be scared of herself...? or what she might discover under those heavy rocks...
The girl every now and then resurfaces...
the smiles collide..!!!
the cars are still zooming past and my mind flies..!!!