the girl in the diary

if i was the girl in the diary...
i'd be mystical,
my poise justified...
my fate decided,
at the hands of the wielder of the pen
at the mercy of her destiny...
i would glide.

if i were the girl in the diary...
i would be as concrete as a dream...
as powerful as a wish...
as potent as the river flowing afresh...
i would be
as happy as a dove...
as sad as a fish...
as loved as a pet...
i would be...
as gallant as the grandfather's gun...
as timid as the 'newly wed' child bride...
as homeless as the donkey they bred...
as sheltered as the tree under the sky...!
i would be living in the hills...
diving into the sea...
breeding fleas...
i would be...
as happy as could be...!!!

i could be all but me...

if i were the girl in the diary...
i could be rolling pancakes...
i could be inking letter cases..
i could be riding a pony...
i could be snipping petals...!
i could be writing a letter...
i could be reading a book...
i could be stroking a pipe...
i could also be locked
only to survive...!!

for,
if i were the girl in the diary
this is what i could be...
for i could be sold into copies,
scratches on the manuscript
ripping my soul...
stealing me of my glory...
stealing me of my price...

for if it were money i were after...
the girl in the diary would be...
as hard as the lump in the chest...
as lonely as a tree in a groove...
as fragile as a single bone...
as brave as a mouse within...
as hidden as the bright yellow sun...!!

for,even then...
the girl in the diary would be me...!!





 

Beyond the Nest..!!

squirming in the nest...
i learnt naught to fly...
it was the push...
that threw me disarray..
it was the push...
that taught me more...
it was the push...
i learnt to love...
it was the push...
i knew more about...
it is the push...
i see meaning in...
it is the push...
attracting me...
it is the push...
i respect...
it is the push...
i love...
for,
it is the push...
that meant i was loved...
it is the push...
that taught me some more...
it is the push...
i am grateful for...
it is the push...
that made me so...!!

No longer in perspective...

Long: because I don't have to care for them
Long: because I am taught to think that is the only way
Long: because you do what people think looks good
Long: because there has never been another way
None: because you have to get rid of your birth
Some: because it has to be long again
More: because... well its a process..!!!
Some more: because we are still not quite there yet.
Long: because it was like that before
Long: because "Oh your so pretty"
Long: because they were a pride
Longer: because...it just kept going that way
Longer-4: because I have to take care of it
Long-4: because, I sit all alone with it
Midway: because I want to be different
Midway: because I think they look at it
Midway: because I cant imagine taking care of it
Long: because I didn't have time to think
Long: because I was lazy and scared
Longer: because not too much should change at one go
Longer: because the rest was tagging along
Longer-4: because I needed space
Midway-2: because I wanted to forget the past
Midway: because well it kept going that way
Midway-2: lest it gets long
Midway: because I was getting too cozy
Midway-4: because I was brought back to reality
Midway: because I was still trying to shake it away
Midway+2: because I was washing my worries away
Midway+4: because I was at peace
Long: because, now I could take care of it
Longer: because, this time I cared
Longer+4: because, this time I loved
Longer+6: because, it was a shield
Longer+8: because, it was a part of me
Longer-16: because it was meant to be that way
Shorter than short: because I had to know how it felt
Short: because, its a process again
Short+0.2: because, I love it
Short+0.4: because, I am rebelling
Short+0.6: because, I don't want to explain
Short+0.8: because, everyday it feels newer
Short+1: because, it still feels good
Short+2: because, I know every morning it feels just right


maybe one day....
Long: because its a choice
Longer: because it feels right too
Longer than long: because I will never ever regret not trying every possible way...!!!

have the time...?

is there a way to shake this feeling...
the fog refuses to settle..
my feelings are a crumpled ball...
I crushed the paper myself...!!
I wish there was someone...
who would pick the pieces up...
they could never be a whole...
but they would make for a good puzzle..!
who would have the time...?
who would help put them together...
they would never be the same..!
they can't be mended...
but I am sure they can be taped...
neatly at the backside...
and hung on that wall...
well framed...
to boast of in the many many years to come..!
who would have the time...?
and who would dare spare that time...?

and then there were none.
that's how all of it began...
i thought i was safe here...
i thought here i was me...
i thought i was loved here...
and i thought
       all of this will never end.
i look back
       to where they say it began
not knowing where i stood..
i was still thinking,
of he who chose never to come...
of he who was always by my side...
and also
of he who breathed down my neck.
how i wished
a couple were not the same.
not changing but different...
for then it is not destiny...
but the present i could frame.

there was something in me crying out for help.
there was something in me willing to be heard.
there was something in me trying to speak.
there was something in me killing my insides.
i fought the feeling...
my insides boiled...
i was still in love...
i still harbour hate..!!

i remember the fist sized again today...

i think of when i wrote of it then..!!!

i remember feeling the lump...

i tried gulping it down...

no amount of caffeine could help..

I had to but step out in the open

My feelings not let loose

As my hair had always been.

I wanted this time to be afloat,

not caring of what I left on the shore...

The salt wind grazed past my cheek,

It almost felt like a brush of skin...

The lump maybe disappeared...

But now there was a thump...

regulated by those eyes i see...

Faster and faster it went along..

the guards have long given way...

for I was designed fragile.

My fist couldn't punch that hole,

not that I have ever wanted to...

i have often sat shredding leaves,

fallen and dead...cruel i know

one day i shall pick each

and fill that hole he punched...

those many years ago...

for now the thumping ain't raw,

i can hardly feel it in my chest...

yet every time that music blares..

my blood rushes back into flow...

I know its not dead,

of it I am now fond...

one day, the regular will halt...

and i shall be off the shore..!